False Reality

I've been extremely overwhelmed with life. From the moment I woke up to the minute my head hit the pillow, I felt behind. Late. Lacking. 

I was uncertain of everything I did. Was it enough? Too much? I struggled to find the good in things. I was seriously, undoubtedly lost. 

Every day when Joel came home from I would break down. I was a horrible wife, mother, teacher, leader, and everything else I was suppose to be good at. 

Why was I feeling this way? 

I'll tell you why. I was trying to be a law keeper. I was trying to do it all... All by myself. I wanted a perfectly decorated, cleaned  and organized home. I was craving order in every inch of homeschool and out of the house activities... even meal planning. I wanted to volunteer and serve without distraction. I wanted to run a successful business by doing everything, all the time. I wanted my life to be perfect. 

For some reason, I truly thought that I would get there. I thought the kids wouldn't fight. I thought Joel would affirm me in all my successes... And failures. I thought the laundry would always be caught up. I thought my toddler would listen and obey joyfully and even potty train in just a few short days. 

After last nights campfire conversation and a chat with a dear friend at church this morning, I was slammed with a message preached directly to my heart. 

Am I fully surrendered to Christ? Like fully? All of me? Completely? 

I didn't have to dig all that deep to know the truth. I wasn't. 

I wasn't living in His grace. I wasn't relying on Christ. I was trying to rely on myself. I was trying to be perfect when the only Perfect One was right there, waiting for me to find peace in Him. 

I wasn't praying. I wasn't in The Word. I was drifting. Slowly. But still drifting. 

I'm uncertain if since the miscarriage I was depressed. Feeling inadequate in all areas of my life. Trying to fill that void with perfection. 

A friend shared this verse with me this morning and it brought instant peace and clarity to my heart. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

(A little paint therapy and art for our mantle) 

These are the words of our loving and gracious Father. These words bring me hope. And peace. And rest. 

Letting go of perfection & this false reality.  Grabbing on to grace.