Monday, September 21, 2015

Fear is Sneaky

Yesterday, fear made it's way into this house.

The big girls both have colds. Super yuck snotty noses. Razor blade slicing throats. Tired and exhausted little bodies.

We've been living like they have the worst disease. I have sanitized every surface in our home, focusing on handles (every doorknob, fridge, microwave, sink, garbage, toilet flusher, handrail, everything). I woke up with a runny nose and stiff eyes and beyond tired.

I was on high alert with the two young Spry babies. I spent most of the day washing Avin's hands and using 'hanitizer' on them almost after every move she made.

NO ONE touched Anchor except for me. I wouldn't allow it. What if he gets sick?

I spent entirely too much of the day watching his chest. Each rise up and then deflate down. I was trying to tell myself that he was labored in his breathing. It was almost as if I was looking for what was wrong rather than what was right.

In the later afternoon, I swore he looked pale as he was sitting in his swing. I quickly ran to the bedroom to grab is oximeter. Remember that thing that had abused me for too long? Yes, that little machine that told me how our days were going to be in the hospital. The one that kept me up for nights on end telling me to worry at every little move.

But this time, I was just going to grab a quick reading; just a spot check to see how he was doing. It was reading a little low.... for a while. I would watch. Anchor was sound asleep and when he should be 93+, he was sitting at 91-92.

So I did the most rational thing anyone would do.... I FREAKED OUT! My baby's sick! What are we going to do? How did this happen? Should I take him in right now?

Y'all, my baby wasn't/isn't sick. I am. I let Satan create a fear in me that I had let go of a while ago. I wasn't trusting in Jesus in that moment. I was trying to control every germ in our house. Have you ever tried to do that? Control every germ? It's exhausting... and impossible for us as humans. Only God has that power. But the devil was using my control as a way to creep in and plant fear in my heart.

After a prayer of release of control & fear,  I changed out our sweet boys oxygen cords, taped on a fresh cannula, grabbed him from his swing and cuddled him. As I was holding this little growing miracle, feeling his breath in sync with my own, I knew The Lord was telling me just to trust Him. Like we have from the beginning, we know we can't carry the burden of our breaths. Jesus has that for us. We just make sure we enjoy every moment we have while we are breathing.

That's what I was reminded yesterday. To trust. Again. Always. And then we took off the oximeter and got this sweet look. Oh my precious boy.

2 comments:

  1. Jari, this brought me to tears. I will share a little personal hard truth about myself. For the last 4-6 months I have been living this fear... In a total state of anxiety. I wish I could say that I was brave enough to recognize satans scheme sooner but I wasn't. It gripped me and controlled me for a long time. I learned a lot about myself, my heart and my savior in those few months. I would like to wish that those times of fear, anxiety and depression were not a part of my life. But equally I am glad that they were because I learned so much during this period: while I am no where out of the target zone and flaming arrows are being thrown my direction daily. I am armed now with the armor of Christ and with every arrow I dodge my heart dives deeper in His direction. God bless you for sharing this.

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