Fear is Sneaky

Yesterday, fear made it's way into this house.

The big girls both have colds. Super yuck snotty noses. Razor blade slicing throats. Tired and exhausted little bodies.

We've been living like they have the worst disease. I have sanitized every surface in our home, focusing on handles (every doorknob, fridge, microwave, sink, garbage, toilet flusher, handrail, everything). I woke up with a runny nose and stiff eyes and beyond tired.

I was on high alert with the two young Spry babies. I spent most of the day washing Avin's hands and using 'hanitizer' on them almost after every move she made.

NO ONE touched Anchor except for me. I wouldn't allow it. What if he gets sick?

I spent entirely too much of the day watching his chest. Each rise up and then deflate down. I was trying to tell myself that he was labored in his breathing. It was almost as if I was looking for what was wrong rather than what was right.

In the later afternoon, I swore he looked pale as he was sitting in his swing. I quickly ran to the bedroom to grab is oximeter. Remember that thing that had abused me for too long? Yes, that little machine that told me how our days were going to be in the hospital. The one that kept me up for nights on end telling me to worry at every little move.

But this time, I was just going to grab a quick reading; just a spot check to see how he was doing. It was reading a little low.... for a while. I would watch. Anchor was sound asleep and when he should be 93+, he was sitting at 91-92.

So I did the most rational thing anyone would do.... I FREAKED OUT! My baby's sick! What are we going to do? How did this happen? Should I take him in right now?

Y'all, my baby wasn't/isn't sick. I am. I let Satan create a fear in me that I had let go of a while ago. I wasn't trusting in Jesus in that moment. I was trying to control every germ in our house. Have you ever tried to do that? Control every germ? It's exhausting... and impossible for us as humans. Only God has that power. But the devil was using my control as a way to creep in and plant fear in my heart.

After a prayer of release of control & fear,  I changed out our sweet boys oxygen cords, taped on a fresh cannula, grabbed him from his swing and cuddled him. As I was holding this little growing miracle, feeling his breath in sync with my own, I knew The Lord was telling me just to trust Him. Like we have from the beginning, we know we can't carry the burden of our breaths. Jesus has that for us. We just make sure we enjoy every moment we have while we are breathing.

That's what I was reminded yesterday. To trust. Again. Always. And then we took off the oximeter and got this sweet look. Oh my precious boy.

Our Heroes (NICU Nurses)

The term hero kind of sounds cliche. But truly, I can't think of another word that would even come close to describing how brave, intelligent, comforting and loving the Neonatal Intensive Care nurses are at Community Medical Center.

From the moment Anchor Joel was born on May 4th at a teeny 1 pound 15 ounces, not once did I feel that he could have been in better hands. There were many moments when just the look of kindness or sincerity would help calm my fears. The sure hands that helped my only son to my chest for the first time and even up to the hundredth time, I knew he was in the best care.

These nurses, whom I now call friends, were his moms when I couldn't be there. They cared for him and loved him while I was still heavily drugged for the first 2 days. They were my hands and comforting voice in between my 252 trips back and forth to the NICU.

Some heard me laugh every time my son would pass gas, some saw me mad at the scale the last few days there... but all of you saw me cry. Whether tears of exhaustion or tears of joy and hope, you were there to just listen.

Most of you new our faith and shared your stories of redemption with us too. The words we read together with each new bible verse we would hang on his bed, brought comfort to all of us. Some prayed with us each time we left our son.... and before every procedure or test he had. We thank you for your faith as it helped us keep ours strong.

One of you even walked me all the way to the emergency room the night I discovered I had mastitis; just so I knew exactly where I needed to go.

A few of you even found time to touch this mamas heart through baby feet crafts. I will cherish the foot anchor and Mother's Day craft. One of you helped me climb way back behind the isolette and ventilator machine to hang up his banner just to make it feel a little more like his home there. 

There really are not enough words of gratitude I could express to say how grateful Joel and I are for your care and comfort of our precious boy. My heart belongs to the NICU now. Your love helped carry us through that scary but incredible time we had in room 2.

I will never be the same because of you.

I love you.

XO.

Bare feet.

From the very first time I laid my eyes on our precious boy, my ears also heard the sounds of his existence. But this afternoon is different.

I recall the sounds that started out as deafening in the beginning. The 'cooooosh puff' of the ventilator letting us know every breath that was pumped into his lungs. The gurgle of the water to keep the ventilator humidified for his comfort. The hum of the heat lamps. So many beeps... from his heart rate monitor and his feeding pump. Add that to the dinging of the amount of the oxygen in his blood and every grunt, fart or cry would send that monitor into a wail. Joel and I used to joke with each other about how Anchor's NICU room sounded like a casino. There was so much noise. In the beginning, every sound would send my heart racing. What does that mean? What made that alarm go off? Why isn't someone coming in to check this alarm? I would get so nervous and my fear would creep in each time I heard another alarm.

As the days went on, we started to get more comfortable with the noise each machine made and the reason why the alarms would go off. Sometimes a little too comfortable. You know when you're in Vegas, how loud the casinos are on the first day; then on day 2 on, you can hardly hear the different bings and dings. This is exactly what the NICU turned into for us. The fatigue we had was real. But still we were alert enough to know when any serious alarm was made.

We brought Anchor home on oxygen and an oximeter. The home oxygen machine is the most comforting hum. I'm not sure if it's just the sound of it or knowing that it is still giving my son 30% of the air he needs to breathe. I love that sound. It's the perfect white noise to our every day. The oximeter, on the other hand, has kept me from peace in so many ways. In the hospital, both Joel and I were a slave to knowing exactly what his blood oxygen level was at every moment. We couldn't relax. Both of us would dart our eyes to the monitor as soon as the shrill of the alarm would sound. Going home with this machine was no different. For the first few weeks we were highly sensitive to each noise that came out of that little box. Every time Anchor burped... DING DING! Every time he farted or poop... DING! Every time he would cry real hard.... DING DING DING!!! All of these reasons for a sudden drop of oxygen in your body is absolutely normal. It happens to all of us... we just don't hear or see it because we don't have monitors hooked up to our feet. Not once did he have a true reason at home for the monitor to scare us half to death.

Over time, we quit hearing the beeps. They became silent to us, though deafening at the same time.

But today... today is different. Our doctor called this afternoon with fabulous news! She talked to Anchor's pulmonary specialist and they decided we could take off the monitor!!!! With his activity levels increasing, aka kicking like a mad man during waking hours, the machine wasn't giving us the correct readings all the time anyway. With no 'spells', aka sudden stop in breathing, since we've been home, there is no need to have 24/7 watch on his blood oxygen levels. This is FANTASTIC NEWS!

Although relieved, I know I won't be sleeping much tonight. Just like any newborn mom, I'll be up, making sure my little man is breathing okay. He still has his oxygen canulla but without the constant reading, I know I'll be a nervous wreck. Thrilled but nervous. That little white box brought so much calm and crazy into our lives. It's almost bittersweet. 

Friends, we are getting closer. One less cord hanging off his little body. (We will continue to spot check his blood oxygen twice per day just to make sure it's in a healthy range.) He can finally wear footed jammies without cutting holes in the ankles or heels. No more stinky wrap to secure the monitor on his little foot.

Just two, tiny bare feet.

I melt.

A Weight of Happiness!

When I took off his wet diaper this morning, all I could do was pray and beg God for some weight gain, as I placed him on the baby scale.  Every pump, every bottle, every sleepy eye was worth what we saw today! Joel and I were completely surprised to see that our little Anchor had quadrupled his birth weight! When we saw the scale read 7 lb 15 oz we both may have squealed a little bit. Walking into our appointment, we were hoping for 7 lb 8 oz, so to have almost another half pound above your expectation was beyond thrilling!

During our stay in the NICU, our son had to be put on several different milk fortifiers (formula that they add to the breastmilk) to get him to gain any weight. Every formula we tried would just tear his little guts up. Finally, exhausted with trying and failing, Dr Stevens and I both decided that we could try only breastmilk. Now here's to preface that I have a TON of milk! A little perspective; I have almost 3,000 ounces in our freezer and have fed Anchor from the beginning plus I've provided supplemental milk for a sweet baby girl too.

When we started exclusively feeding breastmilk, he started losing weight. For 3 days he lost weight and to be honest, that was one of the worst feelings as his mom. He had gone through so much just to get to the point of just being a 'feeder and grower' (NICU term for a baby that just needs to get bigger before they can go home) that losing weight from your mama's milk just stinks.

However, on the 4th day he finally gained a few grams. The next day a few more. And ever since then, he has been growing like crazy!

It's been a little bit exhausting doing the double duty of pumping, pouring into bottles, feeding him, washing bottles and pumping supplies and doing it all over again. However, after so many tears and so much frustration over the past few months, today truly felt like a victory!

Today Anchor Joel feels like a newborn. Like a baby thriving in his environment and I couldn't feel any more relief that I do right now. His lungs will grow. They'll get bigger and stronger with time. His heart will prayerfully heal (his ASD -atrial septal defect- sometimes referred to as a hole in the heart — is a type of congenital heart defect in which there is an abnormal opening in the dividing wall between the upper filling chambers of the heart - will prayerfully go away as he gets bigger. 


And now... we can rest easier knowing that he is growing. A lot! Chubby babies makes this mama happy. 
The result from today's appointment makes me feel like we are on the next road of our journey. Almost like we are heading down the back stretch. During today's appointment, Anchor also had to have his 4 month vaccines. He cried. And then ate. 100% breastmilk. Almost 3 ounces. So it would be safe to say he is officially over 8 pounds. 
God is good. I'm so incredibly grateful. 

When Plans Change

Today marks 81 days of life in the NICU. Today was also suppose to be the day that we were finally going to take our son through the hospital doors. But plans changed.

I've been able to take some curve balls with stride during the past 12 weeks here, but today was different. Today I felt devastated. Heartbroken. Sad. Frustrated. Defeated.

Today I also was humbled. Joel and I had taken down nearly all of his decorations. We said good bye to our nurses and friends.... because when they are pretty much the only people you've been around the past 3 months, they become friends who understand and love you through this big life event. He passed the car seat test. We took our CPR class. We finished all of our discharge checklist. He is gaining weight. We got comfortable with the easy coasting. We were used to taking only steps forward. It had been weeks since we've had a set back with Anchor's care; we were past that.

But we weren't. And we aren't.

During his morning check up, on the day of discharge, our little guys blood pressure was up. It had been slowly creeping up the past few days but we were told this is something we would just keep an eye on during our out patient care with our pediatrician. But this morning, we were told that it's high enough to be concerning. Anchor had to do more blood work and began blood pressure medicine per the request of the pediatric nephrologist from Seattle Childrens. They are sending his labs into Mayo Clinic for more comprehensive testing and to check kidney function.

So we are here. This is where we'll be until at least Sunday. And even though it's hard, and it sucks, and I'm sad, I know that this is exactly where we are suppose to be. The Lord's timing is always perfect and we will rest in that today.... and always.

Tonight, I will sit here, constantly being reminded of the blessings and constant favor God has shown us during the past few months... and I will rejoice.

I Write.

For some reason, I have not been here. Writing. On this blank, white screen.

Maybe it has been that I've been in the car the past 73 days. Driving back and forth to the hospital. Maybe it's been trying to nurse a teeny tiny baby with big huge boobs. Maybe it's been the lack of sleep. Or the lack of coffee. Or because I can't get these 'bing bings' from the monitors out of my head.

But what about the in between minutes and sometimes precious hours I was spending with our girls. Maybe it was because we were sitting on the back deck 'washing our toes' in the inflatable pool. Maybe I haven't written because I was cheering on our girls during the few games I got to watch this season. Maybe it's because we were hanging humming bird feeders, watering our new garden, or serving pretend 'cheeebugers' from the window on the new playhouse. Maybe.

Maybe it's because I'm drowning in medical bills and doctor appointments. Maybe it's because all I've been able to think about is which education is best for our two precious oldest daughters. Or maybe I haven't even opened my computer in weeks because I've been cleaning closets and spending my spare time journaling, sleeping and reading books that have been sitting on my shelf for too long that need to get finished. Maybe it's because Joel and I have been binge watching Scandal because our girls are away and we are completely bored with a list of to dos a mile long. Maybe.

But I think the main reason I haven't been here, why I haven't been present and openly talking about our journey is because the devil is telling me that no one wants to hear it. That I could never tell this story good enough. The story that I'm living. The journey that I'm on. That it wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. He's been telling me that I don't have time to share.

Sometimes it takes a sweet soul to remind you that Satan is not in control. Jesus is. And our story, this incredible story of ours... our everyday life...  the boring, the miraculous, the hard and sweet, the scary and joyful.... is meant to be shared.

I named this blog Everyday Jari. There is nothing special about me. No super powers that are getting me through this season in life. I deserve nothing. But I want this story, our story, here. I want to be raw and real, authentic and genuine... in the crazy and the lazy (<---- I'm already starting to pray for lazy days!)... but.. BUT I want to glorify Christ and live for Him. I want to share. And it's time I choose to be brave and talk about everything we've been going through. If for anything.... for me. For my family to have as a journal during this incredible, wonderful, stressful and beautiful season of our lives.

I Miss 'Normal'

Written on June 19, 2015:

Alyn hit an infield GRAND SLAM today during a game in Great Falls!

And both her dad and I missed it. This makes me sad. It's missing out on 'life' with our girls for the past 47 days that has been the hardest... and saying 'see ya later' to our son 3 times a day stinks too.

I just miss our normal. I miss not being able to braid the girls' hairs before their games. I miss cheering for them like a wild lady on the sidelines. I miss seeing Joel out there coaching the group of girls he loves so much. I miss chasing Avin around the park. I miss resting my hands on my pregnant belly. I miss Joel feeling the baby kick.

I may have had a little sadness in my voice when I asked Joel tonight.... "This is not how I pictured our summer. Did you?"

His instant reply "Nope. But God's plan is far better than we could ever imagine."

And it's so true.

I never thought in a million years that we would have our baby at 26 weeks. I never knew what joy and heartache we would endure. I don't even know how we are getting through these days with so much crazy and so much waiting we have to do.

I just miss our normal.

I would go on to tell you that I'm excited for our new life and what it looks like so I don't sound ungrateful or come off as a drag.... but I'm just being real. I'm just being honest. I miss our old normal. A lot.

Big Sister Love.

 With oooing and ahhing non stop when they enter into their baby brothers NICU room, I just know these two big sisters are completely head over heels with the new little guy in our lives. Our girls had to wait about a week and a half after Anchor Joel was born before they could be in the same room with him. They did get a few sneak peeks in from the window (most adorable photo ever!)

NICU has a very strict policy that only brothers and sisters to the patient who are up to date with their immunizations. This might not seem like a big deal but when you aren't the most organized gal in the world (or even the neighborhood!) it takes some time to get all the records you need all compiled and ready to have your doctor sign off on them. Arly was behind on one shot, but she eagerly marched her way into the doctors office and took one for team Anchor. Finally, after 10 days of waiting, your sisters got to touch their precious little buddy... and I'm absolutely positive they fell in love all over again.

Both Arly & Alyn come in with us a couple of times per week and help with Anchor's 'hands on' time. They've gotten very good at doing his containment therapy (see how they have their hands lightly on his head and back? That makes him feel secure with boundaries... just like it feels for him in the womb). They also get to take his temperature under his arm pit and help with his 'milk pops!' - he loves a q-tip dipped in breast milk and rolled on his tongue. It's his absolutely favorite part of hands on care I'm sure of it!

I can't wait until the day when those precious little hands are holding their baby brother... tickling his toes... playing cars with him on the floor... throwing balls back and forth to each other. Some day.... sooner than we'll ever imagine.

Full Surrender

As I sit here tonight in a dim room with the sporadic sounds of monitors beeping, I'm trying to recall the next little segment of our story. I can't remember much. Other than the guilt of our big girls getting ready to head over to sleepovers with friends and play softball games the next day, knowing I wouldn't be there for them. I'm the button wearing, hair braiding, snack making, loud cheering mama. Avin was with some friends for the day and Joel was going to sleep at our house with her that Saturday night. The plan was for the two of them to go to church Sunday morning and we would all get a restful nights sleep. 

I believe it was sometime around 4am I started to really feel yucky. My upper abdomen hurt so bad that it hurt to breathe. I couldn't tell if I was just anxious (I've never had an anxiety attack and was wondering if maybe that was what was happening), or if it was heartburn (but the tums and antacids weren't working)... I just hurt. 

My blood pressure started raising then and even after three rounds of medicine administered via iv it wouldn't stay down. So back on the magnesium I went... With strict bed rest... catheter and all. Joel came around 630 Sunday morning and didn't leave my side again. 

They tried giving me ambein to help me sleep but that was horrid. It messed with my head big time. They took away all foods and I could only have clear liquids on Sunday. 

Because of the medicines and magnesium I don't remember a whole lot of Sunday day or night. I do remember missing my kids. I do remember seeing Joel sitting at the foot of my bed praying and reading his Bible out loud to me. I do remember telling myself over and over that God is in control. Because I was losing all control I thought I had. 

Monday morning was the morning that we had to give up all control and fully submit to The Lord. It was around 6am that Dr Bakshi and Dr Shepherd came in to tell us the results of some lab work taken earlier that morning. It turns out the pain I felt and couldn't describe or get rid of was in fact my liver being stressed. When you combine that with my extremely high protein count, the blood pressures being elevated, they knew that my body was not a safe environment for our little baby to grow and thrive in. They also knew that the only cure for my disease of Preeclampsia was delivery. 

When they told us that they were bumping the regularly schedule surgery first thing that morning because we were going in for an emergency c-section, I was crushed. I felt a heap of guilt thinking that I wasn't doing my motherly duty of keeping my baby safe. I was flooded with doubt on the outcome. But that is when the Holy Spirit took over and I knew that whatever happens in that OR - whatever happens to me or our tiny baby - we would worship and praise our sovereign God. Always. 

Joel called our dear friend and pastor to pray with and for us before I was wheeled away into surgery. Both doctors prayed with us. I kissed my husband and knew that I was fully surrendered; fully submitted to The Lord's plan. 

Anchor Update

Today, Joel and I sit quietly in Anchor boys dark NICU room. He is so content just sleeping like this. 

Yes, you're seeing this correctly. Face down, in his bed, whole face buried in his nest. He had such a hard time working to keep his oxygen levels up with the cpap yesterday but the overnight nurse put him face down and he is doing so much better. It's easier for the micro preemies to get the air into their lungs when they are on their tummies. Their lungs have more support and they don't have to labor as hard to get them to expand all the way. 

Because he is being so picky about which position he is in and his rocky day yesterday, we are giving him a 'day off' from getting in and out of his isolette (his bed.) This means that I don't get to have skin to skin time with him. Do I get bummed? Absolutely. There is nothing more I want in this world than to just smell my baby boy. Every day. And it hurts my heart that I don't get to feel his little heart beat and hiccups on my chest. 

But each day, I prepare my heart for that little break. I just have to absolutely trust that the decisions made by his doctors and nurses each day are for his best development and growth. Even if that means a few tears. I'm ok with it because I don't have any other choice. 

So today, we just sit quietly and watch him. We pray. We celebrate a good day. 

He is back on his bilirubin lights, which is completely common for them to go on and off of the lights. Joel even said this morning, 'I bet he misses his beach time.' I think dad was right. He is having a great day so far just soaking in the rays and chillin' without much commotion. 

Guess what?! He is over 2 pounds!!!! 2 lb 1 oz to be exact. What a tank?! *Wink* His feedings have been bumped up from 1 1/2 cc every 3 hours to 3 cc every 3 hours. Just to get perspective, I took this photo last night to show how much milk I'm producing in one pumping session and how much he eats (through a tube). 

That's almost 6 oz in the mini sterilized bottles and the syringe is 11/2 cc. I guess my body knows that it has one job to do right now.... Make milk for this little handsome boy! (And apparently he likes to shop at Costco! Bulk supply is the name of the game!)

Thank you for your daily prayers. We appreciate them more than you'll ever know. 

Prayer request: 

To continue to keep Anchor comfortable in this new environment and for his little body to keep up with the demands of the outside world.  For his O2 levels to stay up and for him to tolerate more handling and different positions. (Maybe that's a selfish one for this mommy because I want nothing more than to snuggle my new son). For the staff here at Community Medical to know what's best for him and the other babies in their care.

Thanks always. We love you! 

The Mayonnaise Blur

Honestly, the next couple of days were pretty much one big blur for me. 

Our doctor started me on magnesium which is basically the equivalent of swimming in boiling mayonnaise. Sounds disgusting and it really was nasty. They put me on magnesium because with the high blood pressure, it helps prevent seizures in case of a sudden spike. I spend the rest of the day Thursday feeling like dump. I do remember getting the first of two steroid injections in my hip. I don't know if I was being a super wimp or just exhausted but I really thought that it was worse than any epidural I've ever received. But I would do anything for our unborn baby. 

Joel and I had both turned into 'slaves of the monitor.' Every 10-30 minutes they were checking my pressures and it was almost like the next reading determined how I was going to feel. After the whole day Thursday and through the night, we decided enough was enough. No matter what, we couldn't control the situation so we had to really shift our fears of the worse into faith and trust that Jesus had everything under control. We had to submit to Christ and 'Anchor' our faith in Him alone. We had to be steadfast in unwavering hope and trust. Even though it was hard, and sad, and scary; we had to constantly remind each other that this is God's plan. Definitely not ours... But we had to trust that He does all things for our good and for His glory. Always. Even when we don't understand. Even when we can't wrap our head around the whole situation. Even when it seems like you can't take it one more minute. Anchor. So during our 4 days in the hospital, we had decided that if this little one were to be a boy, he would be named Anchor Joel. (And if baby was a girl, her name would have been Arrow Jean... Jean for my Grandma Donna). 

Friday morning, we went up to see the high risk doctor for an ultrasound. They wanted to see how big baby was and to make sure baby had enough fluid. The high risk doctor we saw during our first ultrasounds was out on vacation so his fill in from Texas was here. As he was checking baby via ultrasound, Joel and I were hyper sensitive to everything he was observing. And that's when I saw it. Something I had NEVER seen on an ultrasound before.... I knew in one little look that it was a BOY!  I asked the doctor and he quickly moved the cameras view. Joel didn't believe me (or was too afraid to believe it really was a boy!) but because the doctor neither confirmed nor denied, I knew. We would finally have our son! I still kept that bit of information from the girls though. I still wanted them to be surprised. Even though I was 99% confident in what I saw, I still google searched images of 'boy ultrasounds' - yep, then I knew it was sure. 

Baby looked good. 1 lb 14 oz according to the ultrasound and fluid levels looked great.

Later that day, I got another steroid shot to help develop baby's lungs and brain. I was feeling better on that whole day in Friday so they took me off the magnesium. I was still getting my blood drawn every 6 hours since I was admitted. 

Saturday was great. Joel and I had started planning on me being in bed rest in the hospital for the long haul. The blood pressure meds seemed to be working so I just knew this would be my home for a while.  Once we hit our first goal of staying pregnant for the first 48 hours after the steroid shots, our next goal was 2 weeks, then a month. Rah and every day we kept this precious child safe inside of me was crucial. So we wait...

Even our whole family was willing to wait. Together... With God... We can do anything. 

To be continued.... 

Anchor Update

First of all, I haven't been the best at keeping everyone updated daily on our new little mister. I'm blaming the drugs.... Oxycodone isn't a fan of mine. But the feelings are mutual. 

On Wednesday, Anchor was taken off the ventilator which was super exciting. He is now able to lay on his tummy which he absolutely loves. They also have taken him off the bilirubin lights so no more cool dude shades or 'under armor' sweatband for now (Arly thought that was the cutest little headband! - Thanks Auntie Jackie!) They have also increased the amount of his feedings. He now gets 1 1/2 cc of breast milk in his feeding tube every 3 hours. 

He is now on a CPAP (forced oxygen given through nose plugs). This morning, there was a lot of commotion in the NICU and I think our little man could feel the stress of the environment. We came in for our 8 am hands on time and his oxygen levels were pretty low (in 50s when they like them between 86-97). It was the first time I felt weak in my knees. He was also lying on his back since they had just done an X-ray of his lungs and his PICC line - PICC line is still perfectly placed. The wanted to monitor the lower lungs to make sure they were expanding properly. The blood vessels are working pretty hard but his blood gas levels are good. He had had increased O2 levels today. 

Think of this: your windpipe is about the size of your ring finger. If you were to have a straw that size to breathe out of and had to run up and down flights of stairs... That is what it's like for him. Using his little premature lungs in this big outside world is hard work. I mean, look at his tiniest most precious little ring finger. 

And even still, I got a 3 hour hold in. That is the most precious part of my days right now. It almost feels like we are on autopilot. One day is blurrin to the next. But it's ok. It's more than ok. It's perfect because this is just where we are at right now. One day at a time, even if we don't have a clue what day it is. 

Prayer request: for strength and stamina for Anchor to help his learn to breathe on his own; for wisdom and strength for the NICU nurses and doctors, and for our family to keep our stamina up as we are adjusting to our new schedule and routine. 

But I'm Only 26 Weeks Pregnant

I want to share our story. I feel the urge to write it all down at once and document everything so I never forget. I want this for our family to remember.... But I also want to share as there have been many of our kind family, friends, aquaintances, and even strangers who have been praying for us and I feel that you all should be in the know of our journey. I've been guarding my heart but I feel it's time to slowly walk through this journey right here behind this keyboard. 

(My last pregnancy photo...)

When I showed up at the hospital for just a quick check up on our baby, I had no idea in a million years that we were so close to meeting our sweet 'ninja' baby. (Ninja because this little baby was the hardest kicker and was constantly moving, jabbing and punching in my tummy!)

It was just a regular morning on Thursday April 30th. I had a regular scheduled doctor appointment on the Tuesday before. During this appointment, I had gained 17 lbs in the past month! I mean I may have had a few donuts but 17 lbs worth? It was also very clear that I had started dumping a lot of protein. This isn't really a new thing for me. I had preeclampsia at the end of my pregnancy with Arly; mild toxemia during my pregnancy with Alyn; and slightly elevated blood pressure at the end of carrying Avin. Each time it happened later  and later and my symptoms got milder. 

Just to double check my protein levels, my amazing doctor ordered me to do a 24 hour protein count. This is also something that didn't surprise me. I've done this plenty of times. Enough times to know I'm a '2 jugger.' (Did I just really share that? Well hydrated I guess.)

I woke up on Thursday morning and was in a bit of a rush. I had just gotten the girls up, changed Avin's diaper and told the girls I'd be right back. I just had to run my samples to the lab and get a little blood drawn. I'd only be gone for 45 minutes tops. I left without getting them more milk. I would just grab it on my way home, just in time for breakfast. 

I had a nagging headache that woke me around 4am that morning and it just wouldn't go away. Something (or Someone) made me pull out the blood pressure cuff and check my pressure. 

I was so surprised to see that it was elevated. I hadn't had an issue at all during this pregnancy. Why now? What was going on? I'm only 26 weeks along. 

I text my doctor the pressure readings and told her about the headache. On my way into town for the quick stop at the lab, I got a call asking me to just bring and do my lab work at triage in the labor and delivery at the hospital. They wanted to just take a quick peek at the baby to make sure she or he was ok. I drove up to Joel's office and he jumped in the car with me. He goes to every appointment with me. So we went to the hospital...

And then I didn't leave. Long story a bit shorter; my blood pressures kept rising, the protein count from my 24hour collection was extremely high and my headache wasn't going away. 

My doctor came to our room in triage, and in the most gentlest voice, but with a concern that I couldn't shake, she told me that I wasn't leaving the hospital until I had this baby. 

What?! Umm... I'm only 26 weeks! This precious baby needs more time to grow! I have 3 kids at home... Who need milk and their hair braided for softball practice and their mama! My husband is a busy coach! It's just a headache... It'll go away! 

Within the hour I was admitted to room 6 and started my journey of being a human pin cushion. 

To be continued...

Anchor

God is amazing! Let's just rest in that for a moment (plus forever!) He has knit and continues to perfectly assemble this little boy each and every moment. 

Anchor is doing amazing. Yesterday, Joel & I got to hold him for the first time while my sister Jackie  took some precious photos. He is so tiny but so big at the same time. He got his first feeding of mommas milk while we were there (1mL every 3 hours) and went to sleep as soon as he laid on my chest. We look forward to our daily time to hold him. He has been breathing room air for a couple days now so that is amazing. His brain scans came back great (they will do these every couple of weeks) and all of his levels for pretty much every thing have been fabulous as well. We know that this is a journey of endurance and strength for our little guy so your prayers mean more than you'll ever know. 

I'm feeling better as each day goes by. We are working through the tail end of the preeclampsia (which is why we had to deliver Anchor so early). Getting my blood pressure to even out and find the right dosage with medicine is getting closer and closer each day. I'm pretty sore and tired so will still be in the hospital for a couple more days. 

Joel is such an incredible man, husband and father. He has been with me through every moment and has prayed constantly for both myself and his new son. He has a lot on his plate now with us at the hospital, our 3 big amazing daughters at home and juggling the work and home life. But like I said, he's our rock and our leader. I've never been more in love. 

Please know that we have seen and felt each and every message and prayer. We know we need help and are completely humbled and grateful to have all of your willingness and prayers. 

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts and our whole being for everything... Before, now and to come. I will be updating our blog www.everydayJari.com throughout this whole journey and beyond. 

Thank you again, everyone, for everything.