Friday, March 7, 2014

Who are you?

There are times when I still am trying to figure out who I am. What are my values? What are my goals? Who am I?

I've told you before and I'll tell you again that I struggle with an addiction to try too hard to make bit and pieces of others become who I am. 

There's the friend with the killer abs and another with the best healthy eating plan.. Both of which I want to try to do whatever it is they're doing. 

Then the friends who are witty and funny all the time and the ones that are so encouraging and heartfelt during every conversation. I try to learn to be more like them. 

I have friends who have a spotless home, friends who volunteer to serve at every drop of the hat and friends who lead their teams well. 

I have friends who homeschool in such a fun way, friends who serve their husbands selflessly and friends who's kiddos have the cutest hair. 

There are many moments during my every day that I have compared myself to others... If only I could craft and DIY like her, if only I could spend a weekend away at the beach, if only I could cook better, if only I could.... 

at the beginning of the year I talked about my one word. DO. I talked about if I do more, I could be more. 

I take that back. 

My new word for 2014 (it's not too late for a new word is it?) is focus. FOCUS. 

There are so many things I need to focus on. 

First, Christ. He alone deserves my best. 

Second my husband. Serving and loving him more. 

Third, my girls.  Being an encouragement to them and living a gospel centered life so they will too. 

Next, to be a better daughter, sister, & friend. They deserve so much more of me.  

And also to be a better leader to our team.  

I've done so many things wrong in my life. I've sinned. I've compared. I've copied. I've tried too hard to be anything but me. 

I had a friend point out to me this week some sin I had known was there but thought I was hiding it well. I'm so thankful that she was able to be forthcoming and honest in our conversation. It's true that iron sharpens iron and I'm so grateful to have such a friend, even though I left in tears, who was able to point me back to the cross when I had tried carrying too many burdens. Trying too hard to be more and do more than I am ever capable of. 

You see, I have tried doing and being so many other people and things that I couldn't even think straight. I was physically exhausted, mentally drained and spiritually wiped. 

I've known and read the quote that 'comparison is the theif of joy' and now i know how true that is. 

I feel cleansed. I feel new. Fresh. 

I'm seeing now, through a new lense. One that is showing me that i can't be like anyone else... Have their body, their victories, their highlights and their motivations and goals. It's exhausting. 

But I can be me. 

I can strive for progress, not perfection. 

I can make small changes that will  prayerfully make big differences in my life.

For that I'm thankful. I'm excited.   

And I'm back.