Monday, October 20, 2014

Still I Will Worship... Overwhelmed with Our Loss

For the past three days I have been sorting baby clothes. Itty bitty baby girl clothes. I was flooded with sadness each time my fingers touched the tiny blankets, hats, onesies. 

When I should have felt joy and thought of sweet memories, I felt alone. Sad. Almost empty. 

This isn't the only thing that had me down. Every week, I get a text and an email from a baby blog. It tells me how big our baby should be, how it's developing, and what we should be doing to be prepared. 

I know that seems unhealthy to stay subscribed to but for some reason I want to know. I'm uncertain if it's filling me with more sadness or maybe filling that void of wonder. I just have to know. Maybe on our due date I'll finally unsubscribe. But I want to be reminded. I want to remember Gods love for me... Even when I don't understand. 

Ever since losing baby #5, I've been an emotional mess. Sometimes good, sometimes not. 

Although these past three days had me filled with anger and bitterness again, I've laid it all down at the feet of Jesus. 

I can't hold on to this anymore. I've felt inadequate for too long. I've tried too hard to be enough on my own. I can't be anymore. I never was. 

I'm enough because Christ bore all my sins; my shame, my guilt, my pride on the cross. He conquered it all - all death, all darkness, when he rose from the grave.  

Why would I forget His great power and try to do this on my own? 

Even though sadness is okay, I have learned to praise God through each storm... Whether it comes every few weeks, or every few minutes... 

I am enough because He is enough. 

I will trust His sovereign plan even when I don't understand... I'll never know. 

And I will continue to glorify His name through it all. The ups. The downs. The joy and the pain. He is worthy of all my praise. 

'Though You Slay Me' by Shane and Shane is a powerful song that brings tears to my eyes and had me on my knees.  And I truly believe what John Piper says here is the truth. When it's hard. When we hurt. It is not meaningless. 

Please watch. If you've ever felt pain, I pray these words bring you HOPE. 

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