Full Surrender

As I sit here tonight in a dim room with the sporadic sounds of monitors beeping, I'm trying to recall the next little segment of our story. I can't remember much. Other than the guilt of our big girls getting ready to head over to sleepovers with friends and play softball games the next day, knowing I wouldn't be there for them. I'm the button wearing, hair braiding, snack making, loud cheering mama. Avin was with some friends for the day and Joel was going to sleep at our house with her that Saturday night. The plan was for the two of them to go to church Sunday morning and we would all get a restful nights sleep. 

I believe it was sometime around 4am I started to really feel yucky. My upper abdomen hurt so bad that it hurt to breathe. I couldn't tell if I was just anxious (I've never had an anxiety attack and was wondering if maybe that was what was happening), or if it was heartburn (but the tums and antacids weren't working)... I just hurt. 

My blood pressure started raising then and even after three rounds of medicine administered via iv it wouldn't stay down. So back on the magnesium I went... With strict bed rest... catheter and all. Joel came around 630 Sunday morning and didn't leave my side again. 

They tried giving me ambein to help me sleep but that was horrid. It messed with my head big time. They took away all foods and I could only have clear liquids on Sunday. 

Because of the medicines and magnesium I don't remember a whole lot of Sunday day or night. I do remember missing my kids. I do remember seeing Joel sitting at the foot of my bed praying and reading his Bible out loud to me. I do remember telling myself over and over that God is in control. Because I was losing all control I thought I had. 

Monday morning was the morning that we had to give up all control and fully submit to The Lord. It was around 6am that Dr Bakshi and Dr Shepherd came in to tell us the results of some lab work taken earlier that morning. It turns out the pain I felt and couldn't describe or get rid of was in fact my liver being stressed. When you combine that with my extremely high protein count, the blood pressures being elevated, they knew that my body was not a safe environment for our little baby to grow and thrive in. They also knew that the only cure for my disease of Preeclampsia was delivery. 

When they told us that they were bumping the regularly schedule surgery first thing that morning because we were going in for an emergency c-section, I was crushed. I felt a heap of guilt thinking that I wasn't doing my motherly duty of keeping my baby safe. I was flooded with doubt on the outcome. But that is when the Holy Spirit took over and I knew that whatever happens in that OR - whatever happens to me or our tiny baby - we would worship and praise our sovereign God. Always. 

Joel called our dear friend and pastor to pray with and for us before I was wheeled away into surgery. Both doctors prayed with us. I kissed my husband and knew that I was fully surrendered; fully submitted to The Lord's plan.