We have NO Control...

Warning: this is a very detailed posting about my last month. 

Some of you were aware that we were expecting baby #4 in December. 

Few of you had heard about our first ultrasound. I went in at 9 weeks to meet our baby for the first time. I had felt great, almost 100% healthy minus being a little more tired than usual. I was hopeful that maybe it was finally a son. We took all the girls to the appointment with us but for some reason, I had explained to the girls that we never know when God decided to take people to heaven. Sometimes when we're really old, younger or even babies. 

The ultrasound gal came in and started a normal ultrasound. We saw the baby right away but there was no heartbeat. According to all my dates (we were trying so I knew every detail) I was 9 weeks 1 day. But little Spry was measuring just shy of 6 weeks. The expert ultrasound doctor came and checked too. He couldnt find a heartbeat either. He did mention that sometimes a pregnancy test would show positive during ovulation, which is rare but possible. 

I left that appointment sad but hopeful. I talked to my regular doctor and we discussed what to do next. We prayed. Knowing that we were taking our girls on a surprise vacation to Oklahoma the next day, we decided to wait 2 weeks and do another ultrasound to check again for growth. 

We spent a whole week with the sweetest friends in Oklahoma. We stayed super busy going to Women's College World Series games, Thunder game and doing fun activities with the kids. We also spent a good amount of time just hanging out and relaxing. It was really helpful to keep my mind off whether this pregnancy was viable or not. But I also had the constant reminder that I could miscarry at any moment every time I dug through Avin's diaper bag because I had an extra set of bottoms and super thick pads ready just in case. 

Our vacation was amazing and just what we needed. 

We flew home and went straight to a softball tournament for the girls which was another huge distraction for me. 

The next day, Monday June 9th, we went in for our second ultrasound. I had been praying for the past few weeks 'Lord God please let us see a live healthy baby.' We left the girls with our great friends and neighbors that morning. They chose not to come with us. I don't blame them. I really didn't want to go either. I wanted to know but I really just wanted to be ignorant and get to believe what I chose to believe. Everything will be just fine. 

But I went in. 

It was very obvious the moment we saw the screen that the baby hadn't changed size even though I was 11 weeks along now. I cried. I was angry at God. I was desperate for a little ticker... Just for one little beat. But nothing. 

I just held Joel's hand. And cried. I hadn't felt that kind of sadness before. I just wanted to leave that doctor office as fast I could. I didn't want to talk about 'We just don't understand Mother Nature sometimes'... What?! 'Tell me more about softball.' Excuse me. I was angry and I just wanted to go home! 

I got in the car and just cried. I cried for every woman who had gone through this loss before; many of whom are dear friends to me. I cried for their loss and for the constant trials of childbearing for them. 

I didn't even want to go with Joel to pick up the girls. But he made me go. He knew my friend Korinda would be able to give some comfort. When we got to the Luhmann's house to bring our kiddos home, Korinda could read my face. She and our other friend Deedria came up and hugged me. Let me share my feelings and also shared words and scriptures of peace and comfort with me. Now there is a special bond with me and these women who had felt this pain before.  Psalm 139:13-17 has been a saving grace for me. 

I went to bed cherishing the 3 littles we've been so graciously given. I went to bed next to my little one who just wanted to snuggle and put her little macaroni fingers in my face. I didn't want to fall asleep. I wanted to stay awake and thank God all night for our littles. 

Two days later, I talked to my doctor about our options now. We could wait and let my body do its thing and lose it naturally. Or we could use a medicine that would help make that process go faster. Or we could do a D and C surgery. 

I desperately didn't want to have a D and C because surgery is rough on my body. I get extremely sick from anesthetic so I chose not to have surgery. 

I know Gods timing is perfect so I wanted to wait a couple weeks as we were planning to travel back to South Dakota to see Joel's dad who is very ill. If I hadn't miscarried naturally by the time we got back home, I would try the medicine to help it go faster. No D and C please. 

Our week went by with no progress. We went to Anaconda and cheered Joel and the girls to a championship victory in their 10U division. We then headed home on Sunday to unload the camper so we could start packing Monday to leave for SD that night after Alyn's Little League city championship game Monday night. 

As soon as we got in the car to drive back to the house after Alyn's game Monday night to load our stuff to hit the road, I started cramping and could feel blood. 

We decided to stay home through the night and leave Tuesday morning now instead. The cramps were getting more painful and the bleeding picked up. Now this was the first time I miscarried naturally (we did lose a baby before Arly but chose a D and C back in 2002) so I didn't know how much blood and clotting was normal. After passing a lot I started to feel like this was too much. 

I fell asleep around midnight with the big huge Boeing pad (I'm serious. Those pads were the thickest, longest pads with 2 sets of wings!) and a bath towel folded in fourths. I woke up just before 2am Tuesday morning soaked through, all the way to the couch cushion. Joel was sleeping in the couch next to me and he sleeps super hard. I don't remember waking him up but just made the comment 'That was a lot of blood.' 

I walked to the bathroom, stripped down because I was instantly extremely hot. I sat down on the toilet and the next thing I remember is waking up, on the toilet still with Joel on the phone holding my head in his hands. I vaguely remember seeing Alyn in the doorway. Joel was telling her to turn on the outside lights and wait for the firemen and ambulance. My sweet Alyn. So brave. And helpful. 

She woke up because when Joel came to the bathroom (so thankful he did before I fell)- and didn't have a phone to call for help. She heard his yells for the phone.. Thank goodness. 

The next thing I remember is Korinda coming into the bathroom and praying. I begged for clothes and to get off the toilet so I wouldn't feel ashamed when the emergency workers came. Joel was told to leave me right there but he did get me a tank top and panties. 

The firemen arrived first to check my vitals. They kept asking me questions and I just wanted to sleep. Next the EMTs were also huddled in our master bathroom. (Mind you, we were in the middle of packing so there were bags, overnight stuff and clothes everywhere!) 

They put me on the stretcher and took me outside into the rain (oh man those raindrops felt amazing!) and loaded me up into the ambulance. Joel road in the front and they started an IV on me in the back. Bumpy ride and needles equal NO FUN!

After arriving to the ER, the on call doctor checked me and said I needed an emergency D and C. I then had to mentally prepare myself for the one thing I didn't want. Once again, I'm realizing that I'm not in control. I never really was. 

Forty five minutes later I was in the OR. I remember glancing at my pink bracelet that I'm wearing for our bible study to remind us if Gods overwhelming love for us. As I was going under, I just kept thanking Jesus for unconditional love. I'll never understand but I know He does. 

To my ultimate surprise, I woke up in recovery with ZERO nausea. I just kept thanking the OR staff profusely and I couldn't wait to see Joel again. 

He stayed with me all night, morning and hasn't left me side except to get a ride home so he could bring our vehicle and extra clothes for me to come home in. Oh and the phone chargers. (We didn't know anyone's numbers because our phones were dead!) I'm so grateful for him. Without him, who knows what could have happened. He was scared but stayed calm and did exactly the right thing. 

We went home in the late afternoon and slept. It was such a long night and day. 

I'm so grateful for the Luhmann's.  For carin for our girls during this scary night, for cleaning up my mess that I was sure I would have to clean when I got home, for  feeding us dinner last night and sharing their stories and providing peace and comfort for us. 

Today, I'm sore. My throat from the breathing tube and my neck and shoulders from the surgery (or maybe head whip when I passed out) but I feel humbled. Knowing that it's not us who decides when we're going to have babies. We don't decide when we'll miscarry. Why would I think I could schedule everything out perfect? Only The Lords timing is perfect and His plan is orchestrated perfectly. We'll never understand the what/who/when of it all, but if we did, we wouldn't have a God worth worshipping. 

I'm thankful for the texts, treats and phone calls from family, friends and neighbors. 

Right now I'm sad. Really sad. But it's not a dark sadness. It's a sadness filled with HOPE. Hope and peace for our future. I feel loved. I'm not happy but I'm filled with joy. 

This is my sadness in the Light. I'm glad to share this personal story, praying that if you've been through this same pain, something close or are nursing a hurt; I pray that you know that God loves you. Always. Unconditionally. Even when we don't feel it or understand why. 

Sometimes it seems like our common enemy, the devil, is gaining ground in the world. But we must not forget that The Lord Jesus is the ultimate victor, and He has placed us on this earth as ambassadors. ... But we are children of the day who press back against the enemy's darkness. We'll let The Lord invade the shadowy places or our hearts... - Beth Moore (Children of the Day bible study)

XO.

Jari